Nothing is gonna change my love for you
by Nina28
Summary: The cruciamentum and what went through Buffy and Giles' head during that terrible day


NOTE: In response to Rayvyn's challenge from the old :

"If you want me to stay, I will. If you want me to go I will. Just don't ask me to stop loving you, I can't"

And something Arkin told on the BGL list about Helpless a little while ago, about the fact that there weren't fictions about what had happened before Travers made his asinine comment about Giles loving Buffy as a daughter (as if;-) so here it is my attempt at it, folks... g

Thanks to Donna for beta reading this!;-)

She lowered her head. She couldn't look at him. She felt tears welling in her eyes and angrily shook her head squeezing her eyes shut, trying to blink them away.

"Buffy?"

She ignored Giles' voice. It was full of concern, full of love. That hurt her the most. Hearing his voice, hearing the love and the pain in it. He didn't have the right to talk to her, using that tone of voice, not after poisoning her, not when her mother was there, bound to a chair, almost killed by a crazy vampire. She ignored him and knelt next to her mother, trying to ease her from the ropes which held Joyce to the chair.

"Buffy?" Giles' voice called again. She stopped struggling with the ropes and raised her head to look at him. Her glare was cold, but there was no hatred in it, only a deep weariness, she sighed and asked, "What?"

"M...may I help you?" he asked, uncertainty in his voice.

Buffy bit her lower lip barely restraining herself from saying, "You've done enough for tonight..."

She looked at her mother, she couldn't say this in front her, she couldn't do that to Giles.

_ he almost killed you!_

An inner voice told her. She looked at him, a bruise was beginning to form on his jaw. She realized he'd come here to save her, test notwithstanding. He'd come there to help her, to save her.

_ Now whatever I have to do to deal with Kralik and to win back your trust..._

She swallowed hard, she thought for a moment that the lump which had formed in her throat when Giles had told her the truth, was never going to go away. She shrugged and said, "Help me to free mom"

Giles nodded and got close to her. He knelt and helped her free Joyce. He couldn't help looking at her. Never had she looked so frail, so small. He sighed. Words couldn't describe how proud he was of her, of what she had accomplished that night. Words couldn't describe how ashamed he was of what he had done to her.

"Mr. Giles, what happened?" Joyce asked. "Why can't Buffy..." she trailed not knowing how to finish her sentence.

"Mrs. Summers it's a..." Giles began.

Buffy interrupted him though, saying, "Slayer's cold...or something like that, isn't it, Giles?"

Giles looked at her, surprised. Was she lying to her mother to protect him? If so...why? He blinked and looked at Buffy, who didn't meet his eyes.

She looked at her mother instead and shrugged then said, "Just my luck, mom. Don't worry about it..."

Giles lowered his head and focused on Joyce's ropes. He freed her, then said, "Perhaps I should take both of you to the hospital"

"No, Mr. Giles, I am fine, but maybe you should take, Buffy."

Buffy shook her head and said, "I'm fine, mom..."

"You..." Joyce began. Buffy looked at her and said, "I don't need to go to the hospital, and besides, Giles can tend my wounds, we still have things to check out in the Library"

She looked at Giles, the man just nodded at Joyce, assuring her he would take care of her daughter. Together they left the boardinghouse.

They watched in silence as Joyce closed the door behind her shoulders. Buffy watched as the lights in the house switched on, then turned toward Giles and said, "Let's go..."

Giles nodded and started on the car. They stayed quiet for a while, then he asked, " How do you feel?"

Buffy's head jerked to his side when she snapped, "How do you think I'm feeling?" she closed her eyes and sighed, then said, "I hurt...everywhere... I'm cold..." her lower lip trembled when she took a deep breath. She paused then in a cracked voice added, "I'm trying so hard to understand, Giles...but I can't..."

Giles averted his eyes from the road and looked at her, surprised. He swallowed then said, "I'm sorry, Buffy...I'm so sorry..."

Buffy shook her head, and closed her eyes resting her head against the window. Giles sighed, and kept his eyes on the road.

"Why?" she asked in a small voice. Giles turned toward her, but didn't say anything.

"Answer me, dammit!" she said, turning to look at him. Giles sighed and stopped his car, he gripped the wheel. Buffy noticed his knuckles had become white, she swallowed and asked again, "Why? You looked at me straight in the eyes when I was worried sick about my lack of strength, telling me there was nothing to worry about. You stuck a damn needle in my arm...I wanna know why!" her voice was shaking with rage but mostly with pain.

He looked at her. In the half light of the road her eyes glistened with unshed tears,. She was hugging her knees to her chest, and was looking at him, seeking answers.

"The test. It has been given to slayers when they ... "

"A test..." She said bitterly interrupting him, "To prove what? How scared a Slayer can be without her strength? How bitter is fear? How sharp pain?"

"A test to prove the ability of the slayer to use her mind, in the absence of her strength. It has been given to Slayers for centuries and..."

"And you gave it to me. Man, and I thought my last birthday sucked! What is it with you men and my birthday? You all conspired to make my life a living hell? You knew I could die back there, didn't you?"

She looked at him, Giles couldn't meet her eyes. she swallowed and whispered, "you knew... "

Silence hung between them. They looked at each other for an instant, then they both lowered their heads.

It was Buffy who broke the silence saying, "I...I need a Tylenol...big time..."

Giles looked at her, the cut on her forehead had stopped bleeding, but it looked very deep. He could see other bruises on her face. He felt his heart clenching at the sight. Had he really done this to her? Had he really put her life in danger for such a cruel and archaic test?

She could have died that night and it would have been all his fault. He closed his eyes, feeling himself on the verge of tears.

"Buffy" he said suddenly, his voice lightly hoarse, "I have no excuse for what I did to you, tonight. I know my words mean nothing to you, now...but I... "

_ you what? You didn't have a choice? You had no idea what she was dealing with? LIAR!_

He trailed off, not finishing his sentence. His eyes burned with unshed tears, his whole body ached to hold her, to assure himself that she was still alive, that she would fine.

He looked at her; Buffy's lips were pursed and she looked at him with an unreadable expression on her face.

"Say something, please Buffy..." he pleaded.

She let out a shaky breath. She wanted to hit him, although she knew that in her present condition she wouldn't have done much damage. She wanted to hurt him, hurt him as much as he had hurt her. Yet her arms, her whole body ached to hold him, to be held by him. She couldn't help chuckling at that thought.

She ignored Giles' worried glare and said in a harsh voice, "I so want to hate you, now...you know? Yet my first instinct is to ask you to make the fear stop...to carry me in your arms, just like you did, when Amy's mom cursed me..." Her voice marveled when she asked, "do you remember that day, Giles?"

Giles looked at her and nodded. He recalled that day. The day when he had first felt he cared not because she was the Slayer, the Chosen One, whom he had sworn to protect and guide. He had felt he cared about her, Buffy Summers. He would have cared even if she hadn't been the Slayer, even if she hadn't been his Slayer. He had resorted to using magic, for the first time since Eyghon. He had known, that day, he would have laid down his life for her in a heartbeat.

"I do..." he finally whispered.

She nodded back at him then said, "I heard you promising me...that you were going to stop her..." a weak sob escaped from her mouth but continued, "You...you folded your coat under my head as pillow and told me to hang on...that was the first time I trusted you with my life. Since then I've always kept believing in you. I've always felt you would have protected me."

"Oh, Buffy..." he sighed.

She swallowed and looked at him said, "I look at you now, looking for that man...and I don't recognize you...are you the same man who took me in his arms? Are you the same man I had to knock unconscious to stop from confronting the Master in my place?"

"I haven't changed... I am the same man..." he whispered.

"Are you? " she asked, not caring any more about the tears that were now spilling down her cheeks. Before she could do anything to stop him, Giles' hand reached her face, and he gently wiped away her tears, with his fingers.

She closed her eyes. How was it possible, that even now, his touch could be so soothing for her? She was tempted for an instant to lean into his caress, but she didn't give in. She opened her eyes and said in a low voice, "Don't touch me, please..."

He jerked his hand back and nodded. He placed his hands on the wheel and softly said, "I am the same man, Buffy..."

She sniffed and whispered, "I guess you are...you...you came to the boardinghouse, to help me...or was it another part of the test, break your Slayer's heart then help her? Why did you come, Giles?"

"I couldn't lose you... " he simply said.

Buffy looked at him, wishing she could tell him he had already lost her the moment he had stuck a needle in her arm, but she knew that would have been a lie.

"I don't know what to do, Giles...I know I can't look at you right now, without wanting to hurt you..." She paused for an instant, then blinked and looking at him asked, "Is that what you felt when you found out about Angel? You couldn't even bear to look at me..."

"I wondered why you didn't tell me." He said. "I wondered whether I had been a good watcher, a good friend to you..."

"I was so afraid, I didn't want to hurt you..." she said in a small voice, "you've always been a good watcher, a good friend to me...don't you understand? That's why it hurts so much...I thought you lo...cared about me"

" I do, Buffy." he stopped before adding, "with all my heart."

She shook her head, "Way to show it, Giles..." She rested her head against her knees and whispered, "What are we gonna do, now?"

"I don't know, Buffy. What do you want me to do? " Giles softly asked. The pain, the love in it was still there, she could still hear it. Truth was, she didn't know what she wanted. She wanted to hit him and at the same time she wanted him to take her in his arms, hold her and make the tears stop.

_Because I told you this, the test is invalidated_

He had gone against the Council's laws to help her.

_ I was ten years old when my father told me I was destined to be a watcher..._

He had gone against his calling to warn her, to help her

_ He was one and his mother before him, and I was to be next _

She looked at him, and for the first time understood how that Test had been hard on him, too. That realization startled her. How was the Council going to react to his act of devotion for her? Panic swelled in her chest at the idea he could be forced to go away.

_ You can't leave me...I can't do this alone._

She recalled what she had told him, outside the burning factory the night Angelus had killed Ms. Calendar. She remembered how they had hung on each other for dear life when their lives had crumbled down upon them. She realized that no matter how mad she was at him, how betrayed she felt, she couldn't lose him.

"What is the Council going to do about this?" she asked in small voice.

"You passed the test, you don't have to worry." He said in a low voice, "you are safe, now. There will not be other tests, I swear it to you."

"You said the test had been invalidated..." she murmured.

"You killed Kralik...you passed the test..."

She raised her head and looked at him, he was staring at the empty road, she swallowed before asking, "Are they going to do something to you?"

_Nothing I didn't already manage to do by myself._ He thought bitterly.

"I don't know, Buffy." he said, turning to look at her. Buffy lowered her head and didn't meet his eyes.

"Will they fire you?" she asked, raising her head an unreadable expression on her face.

Giles frowned. For the first time since he had known her, he wasn't able to decipher her look. "Would it make you feel better? I'd understand if you..."

"It would be too simple, don't you think? Would it make me feel better not seeing you for a while? Yes, Giles...I'm so mmad that I can't even breathe but..." she didn't finish her sentence, though, she just shrugged and closed her eyes, gently rubbing her left temple with her fingers, then in a weary voice whispered, "Giles? Do you remember when I told you, I needed a Tylenol big time? Make it a double...my head is killing me"

_Fired...because of you._

Travers had just left. His words were still hanging heavily in the Library.

_Your affection for your charge has rendered you incapable of clear and impartial judgment. You have a father's love for the child, and that is useless to the cause _

The wound on her head was throbbing. She could barely keep her eyes open, for the pain.

_ It would be better if you had no further contact with the Slayer _

She put a hand on her head but a sudden jolt of pain made her flinch. She closed her hand, a huge bruise had formed on the palm. Giles in his infinite wisdom had forbidden her to take anything for the pain.

She stretched a hand and grabbed the cloth she had been using to tend her wound before that Travers guy had entered the library. She took it in her hands, and was surprised when Giles was immediately by her side and took it from her. She looked at him in surprise, but didn't say anything.

_ I'm not going anywhere..._

Giles knelt in front of her and gently placed the cloth against her wound. She lightly flinched when she felt the cool fabric against her skin. His touch, as always was gentle, soothing, caring.

_ I didn't expect you would adhere to that _

She unconsciously leaned into his touch, looking at him. Giles wasn't talking, there was sadness in his eyes, but she instinctively knew that just a part of it was due to Travers' words.

_Fired..._

They didn't talk as Giles tended her wound; only when he had finished, did Buffy find the courage to ask, "Were you serious?"

As always Giles, understood what she meant. His eyes fixed on hers when he said, "I'm not going anywhere Buffy..." he stopped before adding in a low voice, "unless you want me to..."

Buffy's lower lip trembled, she felt new tears welling in her eyes. She swallowed but didn't say anything.

"I'll do whatever you ask me to, Buffy..." he said. "If you want me to stay, I will. If you want me to go, I will"

Buffy couldn't help the sob that escaped from her lips. Giles was still kneeling in front of her when she reached for his shoulders and rested her head on the crook of his forearm.

She closed her eyes when she felt Giles' hand on her hair, and his whispered, "Just don't ask me to stop loving you... I can't"

She slid her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest, sobbing. She knew in her heart, that everything that had happened had been forgiven. She needed him. She loved him, she had never realized until that night how deep that love was, and its depth, scared her. She didn't want to

be scared at that moment, though. She just needed him to hold her, she just needed to be sure he was still with her and that he wasn't going to leave her. She could deal with everything as long as they were together.

_ Just don't ask me to stop loving you...I can't_

She didn't have the strength, at the moment, to label his feelings, or hers. They were together, again. That was all that mattered. She raised her head and met his eyes, she managed to smile a little before saying in a cracked voice, "Stay..."

Giles' green eyes lit with happiness and his lips curved in a smile when he whispered, "Always"

Buffy nodded, she let out a shaky sigh and whispered, "Giles?"

"Yes?" he said looking at her.

"Would you do me a favor? Next year let's just skip my birthday, alright? I'm getting far too old for this crap-o-la"

Giles just nodded at her words. He lightly parted from her, breaking their embrace and rising from his knees said, "I'll take you home, your mother is probably worried about you"

"Understatement much?" she quipped getting up. They slowly headed toward the Library's exit, They were at the door when Buffy stopped. She shrugged and looking at him said, "Just for the record...I so think Travers was dead wrong... "

Giles looked at her, Buffy was smiling at him. It was a shy smile, but a smile nevertheless. He knew neither of them needed to verbalize what she had really meant with those words. They both knew the truth. He could see it in her eyes.

He knew it wasn't the moment to talk about their feelings. Not that night. For the first time in longer than he cared to remember he felt there was time, though.

All the time of the world.

Perhaps it was just his imagination, but he could swear he heard her muttering while she exited the Library, "Father's love my ass"

He smiled, while he switched off the lights and softly said, "I couldn't agree more..."

The End


End file.
